I had it all planned… I was going to play it cool, keep it short and polite. Nothing to personal or heavy.

Well that all went to shit after I typed “Hi Dad,”

The words flowed forth like a… something big and flowy. It has no structure, no flow. It’s just a jumble of words and emotions that gushed out of my fingertips uncontrollably. I didn’t criticise or point the finger of blame. I just told him a little bit about me and how getting touch with his side of the family has opened up feelings in me I never knew existed.

Having an extended family that don’t like you and aren’t afraid to let you know is a strange place to grow up. Most people know that even under the bullshit there is love, not so for me. My only ally was my Mum. I never understood how people could say they hated their family but would do anything for them. I got the hate part but really I couldn’t give a toss about mine and I know the feeling is mutual.

So any way, I’ve emailed my Dad, and now I want to hide in a corner and pretend I didn’t hit the send button, while at the same time I want him to reply right now! Mixed emotions… That used to be just another expression to me. I now have a firm and personal understanding of the phrase ;)

Peace

Thanks to everyone for your words of support through this.

It means the world to me.